NO WORDS

How ironic that so often my work involves speech, words, sharing and exchanges of ideas.. and today I had none. Today a patient I had come to know recently received devastating news. 

There are no words.. 

There was a BLOG started that I was going to read.. words.. the doctors said this cancer was not in remission.. words.. mother is sobbing.. no words..


there 


are


no


words...


and this patients gift to me was the silence we shared... holding hands.. with tears in our eyes.. devastating..


and then later words of hope from the medical "fellow", "Dr. XYZ knows more about this than I do and he has seen people respond..."


words..


I am blogging this with words that are flat.. I wonder why I am even writing.. but to mark this moment in time.. when another person has so deeply touched me.. one I will always remember.. 


and so, I have another name to add to the HOPE section of my next race bib..







 

Hold on.. HELP!

Interesting that song lyric have been popping into my mind relating to experiences lately. Today, I visited someone who is detoxing. I am praying this person will relate to the last line copied above.


I discussed the issues humans have juxtaposing SHAME and PRIDE. Shame binds us from believing we are worthy of _________ and pride keeps us from asking for __________.


Annoying to have philosophic conundrums whirling around my brain w/o any discussion.. help!!!


LIFE AS I SPIN


Let it be.. let it be.. just me sitting here.. just me.
I want to set these aside my thoughts but I cannot
being drowned by thought after thought.


Catching life through outstretched fingers
so much slips through and is lost


Someone will die fighting for life and another gives it away
which one is more valued, who can say, who will say?  


no resolution no understanding and I am left, I am left auguring in and climbing up ©

Can you call your job work or a job when you love it?

 I have been been asked, "How can you do the work you do?". 

Yesterday.. amidst the silence as I let a long pause "hang" the patient asked, "May I tell you something?" 

I replied, "Of course.". and as we were less than a foot apart.. him laying in his bed..

my hand on his arm.. he told me something.. and then said, "I've never told anyone that before.".

What's it all about?

What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
Or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
Then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
What will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something much more,
Something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
And you'll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie
would you tell me what's it all about?
what's it all about? Alfie, Alfie, Alfie.
What's it all about? Whats this all about?
what's it all about Alfie? tell me
what's it all about Alfie? what's it all about Alfie?
just tell me yeah. what's it all about?
what's it all about?

Alfie..   I never really liked this song, no matter who was singing. Maybe that's because I never liked how it was being sung so I never HEARD the lyric.

For some unknown reason this song popped into my mind this morning [pretty odd experience I must say. Now that I have read the lyric. Maybe not such a horrible song after all. 

Kerch-HOOOooooooooo

What is it about sneezing?!! Is our body attempting to rid it of the virus? 


I feel a Limerick coming on.. but I will spare you
Aw, you thought of one, share it I dare you..
If creativity spins
in your mind everyone wins,
so share it but not germs if you can do.

It is HERE!!!

Finally Fed-Ex made it through all the snow and delivered my SONY eReader. 


I charged it and have begun my first book, YEA!!!!  THE HELP


Reviews on both to follow. For now I am taking my reader, a cup of tea & going to sleep early! I have an 8 mile run to accomplish this weekend!!

Say it isn't so!

I woke up this morning at 1am with symptoms of a cold! After having pneumonia this summer I did succumb to the flu shot this fall, so hopefully my herbal arsenal will combat this annoying glitch.


3" of snow predicted for both tonight and tomorrow. This winter is REALLY making my long runs a test of determination!

March 20th, where are you??

If I must shovel, then I must have cute boots. I realized as I pulled these from the back of my closet, that I have had a theme of dots in my life in recent years. Hummm....

Good luck! Bad Luck!

So, once there was a farmer who had one son and one horse.


One day the horse ran away. The neighbor said, "Oh no! What bad luck!"


The farmer said, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who's to say?"


The farmers son went into the forest to find the horse and returned with a whole herd of wild horses.


The neighbor said, "Wow! What good luck!"


The farmer said, "Good luck? Bad luck?" who's to say?


The farmers son set out to break one of the new horses and fell, breaking his leg.


The neighbor said, "Oh no! What bad luck!"

The farmer said, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who's to say?"

The next day the town leaders came to the farmer to take his son to fight a great battle but he couldn't go because of his broken leg.

The neighbor said, "Wow! What good luck!"

The farmer said, "Good luck? Bad luck?" who's to say?

The farmers son couldn't help him care for so many animals so he had to let them all run free again.

The neighbor said, "Oh no! What bad luck!"

The farmer said, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who's to say?"

What does this story trigger for you about luck, fate, coincidence, providence, reason etc ??

I will hope..

I have a friend who debriefs police officers and fire fighters when there has been a horrific incident or loss of colleague. Last week in our state a firefighter was killed fighting a fire and a police officer was murdered as he got out of his car to question a man. My friend worked 80 hours in 7 days.. helping listening.. debriefing.. some of those days with only 45 min or 2 hours sleep.

Sensational, horrible violence all over our nation.. and the world.

I guess it is so much of our human nature to mention the most dramatic of losses, like in Tucson a child, a judge.. however isn't every one of the others dead as important to their families & friends? of course.. of course.

Two of my patients died this last week. I had been included into their personal narratives, their circle of trust and their family members' as well. Funerals for the living to mark a passage.

Another passage today, another friend of my who is a faith leader left her congregation today. It was at the end of a 3 year term with them. She told a parable style of story about good news and bad news, who's to say which news it is.. you won't know until the rest of the story is told.

Despair is not an emotion to be accepted easily although so many horrific things happen in our world, it would seem to be.

So, I choose to hope... hope I will find some goodness in each day.. and those around me will as well.. and assume that if every one of us gives up hope completely all *IS* lost.. and so I will hope.

Oh, and when you have a chance read this: Birmingham Jail Letter written by a man who hoped against all but belief.

Day of calm

YUP... that's snow.. Here on the east coast it is becoming an every 10 days [or less] event just like the Farmers Almanac predicted.

I am filled with gratitude for so much, including this unplanned day off from work. Time for me to unload the stress, losses, and worry I have carried for the last 10 days with a long walk in the snow.

"All we need is love...."

"Whoever wishes to foresee the future must consult the past; for human events ever resemble those of preceding times. This arises from the fact that they are produced by men who ever have been, and ever shall be, animated by the same passions, and thus they necessarily have the same results."
Machiavelli


Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.Albert Einstein


I reject the first statement that those who went before did hateful or violent acts those who follow will as well. Each person cannot lay that blame on another. Lest us NOT forget the amazing and inclusive things our culture is responsible for. That said, I am speechless reading some of the hateful comments made about the violence around the world. 

The Beatles

Lennon/McCartney

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you
in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

sigh

Making sense of senselessness?

The term is used so often. I was pondering this morning what the word means. More specifically, I am wondering not what the word means in the concrete sense but what it means in practice or usage.


Events that are negatively impacting are often labeled as senseless. Random tragedy, disease, etc are examples. 


As people, why DO we try to make sense of what is senseless? I have a theory.


Sense equals anxiety reduction. We say, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh" once we have an understanding of that which was bringing us anxiety, and not making *sense*. 


When we struggle to reduce anxiety by using logic and understanding and none work, the event is then considered to be senseless. 


What do we do then???????? What do we do with our anxiety?


So today I note the tragedy in Tucson, AZ yesterday. There were many people shot and several killed including a 9 year old girl. She was a baby included in the book Faces of Hope: Babies Born on 9/11. Her murder among the 
others has a deeper feeling of senselessness. What a horrible irony. 


I pray each of the injured physically recover and all those affected find a way to emotionally heal... and that each of us find courage to stand with someone whose life has been changed by senselessness. 

** *** *** ** s n o w AGAIN

This may seem to be a theme but it is real. It's snowing again today and is supposed to again Tuesday. It sure is beautiful when home and not having to take a risk on the roads with people who think they can stop normally in bad weather. 


So, after a 5 mile run this morning I am going to make a fire, put on some music and enjoy this beautiful day.

Stuck my neck out today.. still Friday

"It does refer to risk and may have stemmed from turtles. When a turtle sticks its neck (and head) out, it becomes more vulnerable (in the open) to predators. But a turtle must leave the safe haven of its shell to eat and such. Which reminds me of another expression I've heard: "Behold the turtle. He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out." "

Ugh.. yup.. hope it wasn't progress toward unemployment.

There is a saying that it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission. I asked my boss for permission and not so sure about the outcome.. 

I was asked, I said yes.. and stepped into a lioness' den. 

Sooooooooooooo complex, communication, relationships..... 

I hope I can sleep tonight.

** *** *** ** s n o w

*   *
  *
**
  * *
****
   *


It is snowing again here on the east coast. Today is a day I wish I was home baking bread rather than preparing to drive to work. it is supposed to be a light snow day; 1-4 inches will fall. I wish I was home running, hearing my foot fall sounds dampened by the snow cushion.. indeed, it is snowing again today.. in more than precipitation.

Hermann Snellen

It is time to have my eyes checked. Something seems wrong when I am taking off my glasses to read. It will be nice to have new contacts as well. New haircut, new glasses, new year.. makes sense to me!

Restoration

"The state of being restored; recovery of health, strength, etc.; as, restoration from sickness. [1913 Webster]" I have heard it said a person cannot give what they don't have. Considering my profession, I need to be conscious of ongoing restoration for myself. 


Delicious food, running/cycling/lifting, friends, family, silence, my cats all restore a part of me.. meditation, prayer, yoga restore and bring breath back.


This is a time for each of us to be deeply honest where there is pain, emptiness, exhaustion etc and seek restoration. Our lives should flow with the active exchange and within that exchange, we are restored.

Love

There are different types of love. The psychiatry books etc will name them. Yesterday I met a Yogi who as he lay at the end of his life exclaimed with a great smile that loving one another without judgement is the greatest goal of humans. All else but unconditional love is a division.


The choices we make to love as fellow life travelers is not easy. He suggests we move toward those who bring us pain so it can be released. Maybe spiritually, and I hope not literally! There are some who I don't think I can literally embrace but I can try to love them in a compassionate perspective.


My grandfather may have had it right I think. He said that G-d got it wrong. G-d should have given us all the wisdom we need to live a full life at the beginning of our life, and then lose it as we get older so we die, as an innocent child. Maybe then we would have been wise enough to love first.

Let the dark days begin...

I know we are on the other side of the winter solstice as days get brighter, that isn't what I mean. Here in the NE of the US Jan-Mar are often dreary and assuredly COLD. I am hoping for a sunny 1st quarter of 2011. I have a lot of training to do!

Grief Disbursed

Take a bottle of soda.
.. and shake it and shake and shake it.
Then begin to twist off the cap.
Your FIRST instinct is to twist it back
quickly QUICKLY !!!
yet so much already has burst out,
ooozing down your hands, down the bottle side..
into your lap of tears
Then begin to twist off the cap..
Again it bursts out
again you recap..
again
again
again
recapping as the pressure builds against the foam.
Eventually, you are left.. with the brute force of grief disbursed
leaving still the truth
always the truth
now you are able to ingest what is left of the truth
in ways unexpected it nourishes you.. begins to heal you..
a pain deeper than you ever thought you might survive
you have..
forever your perspective is changed
forever you will never look at anyone or any situation as you would have before.
A price no one would pay for that wisdom.. but you have..

©TakenOasis Publishing 2010

BLOG BLABBER

Today I was asked why it had been so long since I blogged.. I didn't have a great answer. I said that I didn't have anything to say. That's silly, I always have something to SAY but maybe I didn't think it is important enough to blog about.. that's it.. 


This was a difficult year for me, I lost a friend to cancer, I became sick with pneumonia/asthma and have been aware of the losses of friends children, other loved ones, pets.. jobs.. not a great year 2010 for many. 


OTOH, others I know experienced wonderful joys in 2010.. babies born and the reverse of the above paragraph.


I will attempt to be a more prolific blogger this 2011 and see how that is.. In the meantime may you have a healthy and joyous 2011